Monday, September 7, 2009

Bring. It.

I've been debating for a long time just how honest I wanted to be on this blog. Whether I would sugar-coat everything and post pretty pictures and only pick and choose the best stories. Whether I would put on just another "best semester of my life" facades so that I wouldn't disappoint anyone. So that I wouldn't disappoint myself.

While I have been extremely busy, I also have not been posting as much as I could have, or reaching out and connecting with people at home as much as I could have, for a reason. The truth is I'm kind of lonely. Well, very lonely. While I have people I walk to the store with and eat meals with, while I have people I can go to the city with, I have not found any real connections besides the superficial. And being the type of person I am, I cannot be happy with relationships at the surface level. I need things that go deeper.

At first I played the blame game. I went into the spiral of "what's wrong with me" and "why is this happening to me again". I've certainly dealt with friend situations in the past. I know everyone told me to not go into this experience with any expectations, and to not get disappointed when things don't happen as I had imagined, but to feel like I don't even have people to travel with is a new blow. I always thought that would be the easiest part.

But after having plan after plan fall apart from under me, after being let down again and again, after everything these past few weeks, I honestly can't help but laugh. Or smile. Or want to scream. Or all of it. Because the fact can no longer be avoided that clearly I need to be dealing with and learning something about myself in this. While I have always been an independent and strong person, I rely on others for my happiness far more often than I'd like to admit. And now I clearly no longer have that option.

So while this is only the first few weeks, and I know I have a lot more to come, after much confusion and a few tears I'm ready to take this challenge head on. So what if I have to travel alone? So what if I have to learn how to navigate the trains and hostels without someone there to hold my hand? Maybe it's about time. And I'm honestly looking forward to it.

My first step in this process is opening myself up here to the world (as I admittedly seldom do). My second step is to go to bed knowing that no matter how alone I get I will always, ALWAYS have my own company. I need to learn to love being around that first. Everything else I want will follow.

So bring it world. I'm ready for your challenges, and no matter what I will come out of this a better person in the end.

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